For the longest time I really thought I was just being kind. I had a "can do" attitude. I helped out whenever I could. I kept the peace. I thought that was what made me a good friend, a good colleague, a good person.
But at some point, I had to see the truth through the trees. I wasn’t being kind. I wasn’t being selfless. I was actually lying. Every time I said yes when I wanted to say no, I was lying to the person in front of me. Every time I convinced myself I was doing it for them, I was lying to myself, too. Deep down, I was protecting me. I didn’t want to be seen as difficult or selfish. I wanted people to like me. I thought that if I kept saying yes, if I kept making things easy for everyone else, I’d stay "safe".
That realisation was a huge shock because I had always thought of myself as someone who genuinely wanted to make life easier for others, but what I was actually doing was eroding their trust. People can see straight through you! It made me feel distant from people I cared about because I wasn’t showing them the real me.
I think what made it even harder to realise was being surrounded by other people pleasers. When you’re in an environment where everyone is overextending themselves, saying yes to everything, smoothing over any tension, it feels normal. You can’t see how much pretending is happening because everyone is pretending together. I didn’t realise how unhealthy it was until I stepped back. When I finally removed myself from those dynamics, gave myself space, and spent some time alone, it was like I could finally breathe. I could see it for what it really was. We weren’t actually helping each other. We were all just scared of being seen as difficult or unkind.
But that doesn’t mean people pleasers are bad people. So many of us, especially as women, have been taught this way of being since childhood. We were praised for being sweet, easy to get along with, accommodating: an "easy" child. Saying yes kept us safe in some ways, so it’s no wonder we fall into these patterns. But what once kept us safe can also keep us small.
The hardest part of unlearning this has been learning to sit with discomfort. Saying no when I know it might disappoint someone is still hard. But I started practicing. I asked myself why I was saying yes. Was it because I really wanted to help, or because I was afraid of how I’d be seen? I started letting people down in small ways and sitting with that discomfort. I reminded myself over and over again that their feelings about me aren’t mine to control.
I reminded myself constantly that by saying what I really wanted or didn't want, I was being authentic. I was being true to myself and therefore I was being honest with others, which is often what people actually want (& if they want you to be dishonest and a "yes" person, then they're just taking advantage of you).
I had to constantly remind myself that if I was scared of what people thought about me if I didn't say "yes" to everything, why was I not scared of what people thought if I was being disingenuous? Being a liar? A person without integrity? I decided these latter opinions were much worse.
I think it’s important to be honest with ourselves here. It’s easy to say, “Stop caring what people think,” but if you’re a people pleaser, that’s not going to happen overnight. We care what others think of us. That’s part of why we started people pleasing in the first place. What helped me most was shifting the focus. Instead of trying to magically stop caring, I chose what I’d rather people think of me. I decided I’d rather be seen as a little unhelpful but trustworthy than as someone who always says yes but can’t be taken at their word. I’d rather someone know they can trust me to be honest than see me as “nice” while I secretly resent them. That mindset shift made it easier to take those first scary steps toward honesty & the caring less what others think came later.
Something beautiful came out of all of it. People stopped taking advantage of me. I felt lighter. The relationships that mattered didn’t crumble. They grew stronger. I became a better friend, partner, and colleague. Not because I was agreeable all the time, but because I was finally honest. People could trust me more because they knew they were getting the real me, not just the me who wanted to be liked (& you can't force people to like you no matter what you do).
If you’re reading this and it feels familiar, please know you’re not alone. There’s nothing wrong with you. People pleasing is something so many of us learned to do to feel safe. But it doesn’t have to define us forever. We can learn to set boundaries, to say no, and to show up as our full selves without fear of losing love or connection.
It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. When we stop bending ourselves to be liked and start showing up as we really are, we find a kind of peace and freedom that no amount of approval could ever give us.
Good luck (& I'd love to know how you get on).