Have you ever daydreamed about karma serving justice on a silver platter to someone who hurt you? Ahem, I have. More times than I’d really like to admit. I think that would probably surprise a few people because I usually put so much effort into advocating kindness and patience. But when someone wrongs you, especially in a way that cuts deep, it’s almost instinctive to want them to feel even an ounce of the pain they’ve caused.
But... that craving for their suffering is like drinking poison and hoping they choke on it. I learned that the hard way.
A while ago, I had this friend who I trusted wholeheartedly. I thought we had each others' backs. Long story short, they betrayed me in a way that made me question everything about our relationship. At first, I was just hurt. Then, hurt turned into anger, and anger turned into this gnawing desire for retribution. I’d think, “What if their reputation was destroyed instead? What if they finally realize how awful they've been? How utterly selfish?”
Except, none of that ever happened. They were self absorbed and oblivious to the hurt they had caused. I was the only one suffering.
One sleepless night, while spiraling in my thoughts, I stumbled across something from Dr. Fred Luskin, a psychologist who’s an expert in forgiveness. He runs the Stanford Forgiveness Project, which is all about helping people let go of grudges. Luskin said, “Forgiveness is for you and not the person who hurt you.” At first, I hated that idea. Why should I do the work when they were the one in the wrong?
But, I eventually realised that holding onto resentment wasn’t punishing them... It was punishing me.
Every time I relived the betrayal or imagined how karma would strike them, I was reopening the wound. The worst part is they probably weren’t even thinking about me. Ouch.
I knew that actually going out and doing something to hurt them would end up badly for me too — in more ways than one. I would just be continuing the cycle of hurt, ruin my reputation all by myself, and other potential unforseen consequences.
I decided to try something different. Definitely not for them, but for me.
"The best revenge is not to be like your enemy" - Marcus Aurelius
I started journaling, writing down exactly how I felt, no matter how ugly or petty it sounded. As it turns out, putting those emotions on paper made them feel less overwhelming. Gave them less control over me. Psychologists call this “emotional labeling,” and research shows it can help reduce the intensity of negative feelings (Lieberman et al., 2007).
Next, I worked on reframing the situation. This one wasn’t easy. I’m not saying I excused what they did or minimized my hurt. But I started asking myself questions like, “What might have been going on in their life for them to act this way?” and “What can I learn from this experience?”
And then there was the big one: self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, talks about treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend. I realized I’d been so focused on my anger that I’d ignored my own healing. I was making myself suffer even more. I started doing little things to take care of myself, whether it was going for a walk, talking to my counsellor, or just reminding myself, “You’re allowed to feel hurt, but you don’t have to stay stuck here.”
Slowly, things started to shift and the knot in my chest loosened. The constant replay of what they’d done became less frequent. And while I’ll admit I’m not at the “I wish them well” stage (baby steps!), I no longer wish them... ill. That’s progress, right?
Here’s the thing: Wanting someone who wronged you to suffer is human. It’s a natural reaction to feeling hurt and powerless. But staying in that place doesn’t bring you peace; it keeps you chained to the very person who hurt you.
So if you’re stuck in that loop, consider this your gentle nudge. Start small, journal your feelings, talk to someone you trust, or just sit with the idea that letting go isn’t about them winning, it’s about taking back your power.
Maybe one day, you’ll look back and realize you’ve freed yourself from a burden you didn’t need to carry.
“Spite them” by making them irrelevant. Be your best self and thrive.