Am I a Covert Narcissist...?

Let’s be honest — none of us want to be the villain in someone else’s story. We want to believe we’re doing our best. That we’re kind. That we care. And most of us do. But sometimes, if we’ve been hurt, or if our self-worth is tied to how we’re seen… we might not realise the ways we’re showing up in our relationships.

You’ve probably heard of narcissists before — the loud, arrogant kind who dominate every room. But there’s another kind that’s harder to spot… especially in ourselves.

It’s called covert narcissism and it often hides behind performative kindness, self-pity, and silence.

This post isn’t about shame. It’s not about labels. It’s about getting honest. Because if any of this does sound familiar, you deserve support, not self-hate. And the people in your life deserve the version of you that’s capable of deeper, more genuine love.

What Is a Covert Narcissist?

Covert narcissists don’t usually boast or brag. Instead, they tend to be withdrawn, sensitive, and often deeply insecure. But beneath that quiet surface can be a need to control how others see them — and a fear of emotional intimacy that leads to manipulation, even if it’s unconscious.

They often see themselves as the misunderstood one. The “good person” who just keeps getting hurt.

But in protecting their ego, they hurt others without meaning to — especially those closest to them.

Some Signs You Might Be Showing Covert Narcissist Traits

🌫️ You feel rejected easily — even by simple feedback
If someone says “Hey, that hurt me,” does it feel like a personal attack? Do you feel the need to defend yourself immediately, or shut down entirely?

🌫️ When presented with feedback, you deflect
When you disagree or don't like something someone has brought up with you, your first response is to say something like "well, you did this" or "I wouldn't have if you didn't do that". This is deflection to avoid blame and perceived harm to the ego.

🌫️ You struggle to apologise without explaining your side first
You may say sorry, but do you mean it? Do you do it only after making sure the other person fully understands your intentions. Deep down, you may feel that if they just saw how kind you meant to be, they wouldn’t be hurt — and that their pain is kind of unfair to you.

🌫️ You withdraw when you're upset — to punish, not to process
Silent treatments, sulking, subtle jabs… they’re not loud, but they are designed to make someone feel guilty, anxious, or like they have to win your affection back.

🌫️ You often feel like the victim in every conflict
If you consistently end up thinking, “They always make me out to be the bad one,” or “I have nothing to apologise for" — it might be worth asking why being right or wrong feels so high-stakes.

🌫️ You want to be seen as the “good one”
Is it important that others see you as kind, generous, or emotionally intelligent — even if your close relationships feel strained or distant? If being seen as good matters more than being loving in the moment, ego may be running the show.

🌫️ You struggle to handle other people’s emotions
When someone’s upset, do you feel overwhelmed, defensive, or annoyed that they’re “making a big deal out of nothing”? Do you secretly wish they’d just drop it so things could go back to normal?

🌫️ You use passive aggression instead of honest communication
If you say things like “Fine. Whatever.” or give cold shoulders, sarcastic remarks, or backhanded comments when you're hurt — that’s passive aggression. It often feels safer than being direct… but it erodes trust and intimacy over time.

🌫️ You go along with things you don’t agree with — then use them against others later
You might say “It’s fine” when something bothers you, because you don’t want to rock the boat. Hiding true feelings (and even lying to keep the peace) serves to protect the ego — it avoids vulnerability and discomfort.

But later, in a moment of frustration, those unspoken feelings come spilling out as resentment or accusations — catching the other person off guard. You feel hurt… but you never gave them a chance to know that something was wrong. This isn’t about manipulation in the traditional sense — it’s about avoiding vulnerability while still needing a sense of control. 

This behavior often ties into themes of self-victimisation, emotional dishonesty, and indirect control — all common in covert narcissistic dynamics.

Why You Might Act This Way

Covert narcissist traits often come from deep insecurity. From never feeling good enough. From childhood wounds where emotions weren’t safe, or vulnerability was punished.

If that’s you, please know: you're not broken. You're protecting yourself in ways that used to keep you safe — but may now be pushing people away. At the core you have to ask: "Do I care about my own ego more than I care about and love this person?"

It is never too late to heal and you can take steps to heal your relationships. But you have to be willing to accept your behaviour and do the work.

What You Can Do About It

🌱 Get curious, not cruel
Self-awareness doesn’t grow from shame. You don’t need to spiral into guilt. Instead, ask gently: “Where did I learn to respond like this?” “Is this reaction about me protecting my ego — or connecting with the person I love?”

🌱 Practise tolerating uncomfortable feelings
You can survive a moment where someone’s disappointed in you. You can sit with the discomfort instead of running from it or trying to control it. That’s how trust is built — through small, honest moments.

🌱 Apologise without overexplaining
You don’t need to justify every action. Sometimes the most healing thing you can say is: “I hear you. I hurt you. That wasn’t okay. I’m going to do better.” And then actually take steps to do better - rather than lip service.

🌱 Talk to a therapist or mentor
If you’re noticing patterns you want to change, that’s already a huge first step. You don’t have to unpack it all alone. Support helps you untangle the past without turning it into your future.

We all have ego. We all make mistakes in relationships. But the difference between hurt and harm is awareness. And the fact that you’re even asking these questions means something is shifting.

You are not a bad person. You are someone capable of growth, of softness, of showing up differently and every time you choose connection over control — you’re choosing love over ego.