Healthy Or Avoidant: What Communicator Are You?

We’ve all been there — that heavy silence after we’ve tried to have a calm, honest chat. But instead of working it through, the other person immediately shuts down, gets defensive, or starts acting distant.

Suddenly, to them, we’re the problem.

Why people might avoid conflict

For some of us, direct communication is care. We bring things up because we value the relationship and want to make it stronger.

Because the relationship matters to us enough that we want to make it better — not let tension quietly grow underneath.

When we speak up, it’s not about blame, it’s about repair. It’s us saying,

“This connection means something to me, and I want it to feel safe for both of us.”

That’s such a loving act, even if it doesn’t look like it in the moment. It’s not easy to hold up a mirror and say, “Something feels off — can we talk about it?” That takes emotional courage, vulnerability, and a lot of self-awareness.

Conflict-avoidant people often miss that intention. They hear criticism where we mean care. They see confrontation where we mean connection. But underneath it all, what we’re really saying is:

“I want to understand you.”
“I want us to be okay.”
“I’m not trying to fight — I’m trying to grow with you.”

That’s love in action — the kind of love that’s brave enough to tell the truth, even when silence would be easier.

And when someone can’t meet that honesty with the same openness, it can feel deeply lonely. We start wondering if caring “too much” makes us difficult. But the truth is, communication is how relationships stay healthy — it’s the sunlight that keeps them alive.

But for conflict-avoidant people, honesty can feel like danger. They may have learned that expressing disagreement leads to rejection, anger, or punishment. So when we say something like:

“I felt hurt when you cancelled last minute,”
they might not actually hear that.

Instead, they might hear:

• “You’ve disappointed me — again.”

• “You’re a bad person.”

• “You’re in trouble.”

That internal panic makes them go into self-protection mode. Rather than engaging, they withdraw — or they lash out in small, indirect ways.

The deflection trap

When someone feels cornered by discomfort, they often try to shift the focus away from themselves. That’s deflection — and it’s unfair because it makes us start doubting ourselves.

Here are some common deflections you might recognise:

🌀 Minimising the issue:

“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
“It wasn’t even that serious.”
“You’re too sensitive.”

🌀 Playing the victim:

“I can never do anything right with you.”
“You’re always getting on my back.”
“I guess I’m just the bad guy again.”

🌀 Flipping the blame:

“Well, what about when you did X?”
“You’re not perfect either.”
“You’re the one who’s being aggressive right now.”

🌀 Avoiding accountability with silence or sarcasm:

“Whatever.”
“Sure, okay.”
(Cold silence that lasts days.)

It’s not that these people want to hurt us — they just don’t know how to sit with uncomfortable emotions. But when they shut down, it leaves us carrying all the emotional weight, trying to fix what they won’t talk about.

When it happens over and over...

Let’s be honest — it’s really hard to stay calm and constructive when this keeps happening.

At first, we might take a deep breath, try to stay patient, and remind ourselves that not everyone communicates the same way. But when it becomes a pattern — every single time there’s tension — it starts to feel like a losing battle.

We try to speak gently, they shut down.
We try to clarify, they get defensive.
We try to walk away, they give us the cold shoulder.

And we’re left thinking: Why does it feel like there’s a fight, when all I wanted was a conversation?

It’s draining. It chips away at our sense of safety in the relationship. It makes us second-guess whether being honest is even worth it — when in reality, there shouldn’t be a “battle” at all.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling small, frustrated, or like the only adult in the room, please know that your exhaustion makes sense. You’re trying to create connection while the other person is trying to avoid it — and that’s an impossible loop to stay calm in forever.

How we can handle it

1. Name the pattern, not the person.
   Try something like:

   “I’ve noticed when I bring something up, the conversation shuts down. I want us both to feel safe being honest, even if it’s awkward.”

   This keeps things collaborative, not confrontational.

2. Invite honesty.

   “If I annoy you or do something that upsets you, I’d rather you tell me than hold it in. I can handle honesty — I can’t handle guessing.”

   Sometimes, people genuinely need reassurance that it’s safe to speak up.

3. Stay grounded when they deflect.
   If they say something like, “Why are you being like this” you could respond:

   “I’m not asking for perfection, I’m just asking for understanding.”
   Or if they flip it back with “You’re the one who’s being unreasonable,” try:
   “I understand that you’re upset, but I'd like us to focus on overcoming the issue, so that we can move on constructively.”

   You don’t have to absorb the deflection, it's about them, not you. Instead, you can calmly bring it back to the issue.

4. Don’t chase silence.
   If they go quiet or start acting cold, you can acknowledge it, rather than feed into it:

   “It feels like something’s off. I’ll give you space, but I’d like to talk when you’re ready.”

   That sets a boundary without forcing communication. 

5. Protect your peace.
   If someone refuses to engage or consistently twists the conversation, it’s okay to step back. Boundaries aren’t punishment, they’re protection for you.

A gentle reminder

We can’t teach someone to communicate if they’re not ready to listen. But we can keep showing up as the kind of person we wish we could talk to: calm, kind, and honest.

Not everyone has learned, or is open to learning, how to sit in discomfort. That’s not our fault, and it’s not ours to fix.

Our job is to stay true to our values, honesty, compassion, and self-respect. Because when we keep choosing openness, even when others choose avoidance, we stay aligned with our own peace.

It’s okay to feel tired of being the one who brings things up. It’s okay to wish they’d meet you halfway. You’re not “too much” for wanting healthy communication, you’re just someone who believes relationships should feel safe, not confusing, or like everything is shoved under the rug. Keep choosing honesty over chaos. It’s not weakness; it’s strength.

Next time someone avoids confilct, try this self-reflection:

“When someone avoids conflict with me, what feelings come up — and what do I need to remind myself in that moment to stay grounded in my own peace?”