I'm not sick all the time... am I actually stressed?

Stress is a universal human experience. You face challenges and pressures in life, whether they stem from work, relationships, health, or unexpected events. Yet, there’s a harmful tendency in our society to compare stress levels. To minimise your struggles because someone else “had it worse” or to dismiss others’ concerns because you think they’re not as “ill” or “stressed” as you or someone else.

I’ve seen this play out a lot, especially at work. People point to someone who’s constantly getting ill with the flu or to someone who had one side of their face go numb from stress, saying, “That’s what stress looks like.” You hear things like "stress weakens your immune system," which is true... but not for everyone.

Stress doesn’t always wear a physical mask, and that kind of comparison can be deeply harmful.

Am I Really That Stressed If I’m Not Sick All the Time?

“If I’m not constantly ill or exhausted, does that mean I’m not actually stressed?” Stress doesn’t always show itself in obvious or physical ways, but that doesn’t mean it’s not affecting you. Here are some things to consider:

1. Stress Can Be Cyclical: You might experience stress in waves. You could feel fine for a while, but then hit a breaking point where the effects become more noticeable.

2. It’s Not Just Physical: Stress can show up emotionally (like feeling overwhelmed or irritable) or mentally (such as trouble concentrating). You don’t have to be physically ill to be stressed.

3. Long-Term Effects Are Subtle: Chronic stress might not make you feel ill right away, but it can slowly wear down your health over time. Ignoring it now could lead to bigger problems later.

4. Masking Is Real: Some of the most stressed people I’ve worked with were experts at hiding it. They might smile through meetings and meet deadlines flawlessly, but underneath, they were dealing with immense pressure.

The Problem with Stress Comparisons

When you hear, “But you don't look as stressed as so-and-so,” you may start to question the validity of your own feelings. This invalidation can lead to self-doubt and guilt, as you wonder if you're “overreacting” or “too sensitive.” Over time, this can feel very invalidating and discourage you from seeking help or even acknowledging your own struggles.

Stress affects everyone differently. At work, I’ve been that person who seems fine on the surface... but I was masking my struggles because I was convinced I didn't "have it as bad." I wasn't juggling kids like everyone else or going through a breakup, so how could my struggles count? Others around me were showing more physical symptoms of stress like colds or tension headaches, but I wasn't.

It took me a long time to accept that the absence of visible signs doesn’t mean your struggles are less valid. When you compare stress, you risk overlooking the unique ways people cope and suffer, which often lead to unmet needs and further harm.

When you are told your stress doesn’t measure up, you may adopt the same mindset and dismiss your own struggles. You might not be told this outright, but it can be heavily implied through interactions and culture. Comments like, "You're so lucky you don't have kids, I never have time for myself" or assumptions like, "You're so lucky you're ok with living with your parents and being single", can create an environment where you feel unseen and invalidated.

It can result in a cascade effect where you downplay your needs and fail to prioritise your wellbeing. For example, you might think, “Oh, maybe I’m not that stressed after all,” and put off seeking support, which can make your situation much worse over time. I ended up neglecting my needs and failing to set appropriate boundaries for so long that I was having daily panic attacks!

Why We Need to Shift Perspective

I think it's also important to consider the flip-side where you might think someone else is being dramatic or that they just want attention. Is that really for you to decide?

Stress is not a competition. Everyone experiences and processes stress differently, and just because their reaction doesn’t align with your own doesn’t make it any less valid. We all have our own thresholds and coping mechanisms, and what may seem like an overreaction to one person could be someone else's tipping point. It’s essential to practice empathy and recognise that everyone’s emotional responses are rooted in their unique experiences and personal struggles.

The severity of your stress isn’t determined by how it compares to others’ experiences but by how it impacts your own life and wellbeing.

1. Stress Is Subjective: What feels overwhelming to you might not bother someone else, and that’s okay. Your reactions are shaped by your unique personality, life experiences, and coping mechanisms. Think of it this way... some people like carrots, some people don't! It really is as simple as that: we are all individuals.

2. Physical Manifestations Aren’t the Whole Story: Just because you don’t look visibly stressed doesn’t mean you’re not struggling. Mental and emotional burdens often remain hidden and you may have learned to mask effectively.

3. Acknowledging Stress Is the First Step to Managing It: When you validate your own experiences, you’re more likely to seek solutions, build resilience, and recover effectively. It was only when I reached the end of my tether and finally took notice of my stress that I made changes. You don't have to suffer in silence for a long time before you're "worthy" of support.

How to Foster a Healthier Approach

Stress comparison benefits no one. It invalidates experiences, neglects individual needs, and perpetuates a culture of silence around mental health. 

1. Instead of comparing, try to understand and support others. Statements like, “That sounds really hard,” or “I’m here for you,” can go a long way in creating a safe space for others to share their struggles.

2. Remind yourself that your stress is valid, even if it looks different from someone else’s. You don’t need to justify your emotions to anyone.

3. Break the cycle of minimisation by fostering honest discussions about stress and wellbeing. Sharing your experiences can help normalise the idea that everyone’s struggles are valid.

4. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional. Early intervention can prevent stress from escalating into more serious problems.

5. Sign up to a science-backed self-help online course. When trying to manage stress, it can be difficult to know where to start and signing up to acourse also adds some accountability! I helped to create this course, and it has not only helped my own stress, but other people around the world, too!

If you've tried self-help coping mechanisms and you're still coming up short, sometimes it takes a new environment to achieve lasting change. At times, leaving a situation is the healthiest and most courageous choice you can make. Whether it's a toxic relationship, an unfulfilling job, or a space where your values and wellbeing are compromised, staying can often lead to more harm than good.

Choosing to walk away doesn't mean you're giving up or running away - it means you're prioritising your peace, growth, and happiness. Life is too short to stay stuck in situations that drain your energy or hold you back from becoming the best version of yourself. Leaving creates space for new opportunities, healthier connections, and a life aligned with your true purpose.

By recognising that everyone’s stress is valid and addressing it without judgement, you can create a more compassionate and supportive environment for yourself and others.