How to Spot a Passive Aggressive Person

Have you ever been in a situation where you could feel something was wrong, but no one would come out and say it? Like, you’re chatting away, but there’s this heaviness in the air. It feels stale, there's unspoken tension. Maybe they’re making little digs, or suddenly they’ve gone completely quiet. That’s what passive-aggressive behaviour often feels like — it’s not outright anger, but you know something’s up. You just might not know what. 

A lot of us are on the other side, too, and do this without even realising. Sometimes it’s because we’re scared of conflict or we don’t feel safe saying how we really feel. We tell ourselves, I don’t want to start drama or I’m just keeping the peace. But honestly? It’s not really peaceful. It’s more like pretending, and pretending always leaks out somewhere.

A passive-aggressive person will often defend their behaviour by saying they “don’t want to be aggressive” or “don’t like confrontation.” They see their avoidance as the kinder choice, but avoiding honesty doesn’t prevent harm — it causes it. The opposite of passive-aggressiveness isn’t shouting or aggression; it’s healthy, calm communication. It’s saying, “I felt hurt when that happened,” instead of pretending everything’s fine and hurting the other person through pettiness.

Honest conversations can feel uncomfortable, but they don’t have to be explosive or cruel. In fact, learning to express feelings gently and directly is one of the kindest things someone can do for the people around them.

Let’s talk about what this can look like so we can spot it — in other people, and maybe in ourselves too.

Backhanded Compliments

Take backhanded compliments, for example. When someone says, “Wow, you’re actually on time for once!” it might sound like a joke, but it’s really a disguised criticism. It makes the other person feel small, and because it’s delivered with a laugh, they might feel like they can’t call it out because the other person will surely reply with something like "it was just a joke".

Passive aggressive people use this kind of humour to get a dig in while avoiding an honest conversation. It lets us vent frustration without the risk of being vulnerable, and that’s unfair to the person on the receiving end.

The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is another common, classic passive aggressive behaviour. Instead of communicating openly, a passive-aggressive person may shut down completely.

They withdraw, ignore messages, or act cold, using silence to punish rather than taking the risk of explaining what’s wrong. This leaves others anxious and guessing, trying to “fix” something they don’t understand. It’s selfish because it shifts all the emotional responsibility onto someone else instead of owning and expressing feelings.

“Forgetting” Things on Purpose

Sometimes, someone agrees to do something but then never does it — not because they genuinely forgot, but because it’s their way of saying no without saying no. Like a coworker who promises to send that email but “forgets” every single time… yet they seem to remember everything else.

This behaviour creates frustration and tension because it’s dishonest — the person would rather sabotage expectations than have a difficult conversation that would probably turn out ok in the end anyway. Over time, this erodes trust, forces others to pick up the slack, and people lose respect for the person pretending to "forget".

Sarcasm That Isn’t Funny

Sarcasm is another way passive-aggressive people express anger or frustration without being direct. Comments like, “Don’t worry, I didn’t expect you to do it right the first time,” are designed to sting but come with built-in deniability because they’re “just a joke.” This makes it hard for the other person to respond and can create a toxic environment where no one feels safe speaking honestly.

Sometimes, this goes beyond sarcasm — the passive-aggressive person will say exactly what they think or want, but when the reaction isn’t what they hoped for, they quickly backtrack and claim, “I was only joking.”

This is gaslighting behaviour. They weren’t joking; they simply didn’t like how their words landed, so they try to rewrite the situation to make the other person feel wrong for reacting. Over time, this erodes trust because people feel manipulated and unsure of what’s real.

Agreeing… Then Resisting

This one’s sneaky. Someone nods along in a meeting, agrees to everything… and then quietly stalls, avoids, or delays. It’s resistance without the confrontation, without having to admit disagreement.

This behaviour wastes time, breaks trust, and creates tension within teams or relationships. It’s selfish because it prioritises the passive-aggressive person’s comfort over honesty, leaving others to deal with the fallout. 

So often, passive-aggressive behaviour comes from thinking we’re “keeping the peace.” We don’t want to upset anyone, so we swallow our feelings and act like everything’s fine. But the truth is that’s not peace, that’s avoidance.

When we avoid expressing our feelings, those feelings don’t just disappear. They leak out in little jabs, cold shoulders, or avoidance. And that actually hurts people more because it creates confusion and tension. The other person knows something’s wrong, but they’re left guessing what it is and you've left them feeling like the issue is all their fault, when in reality they're nonethewiser and expected to be a mind reader to your issue.

In the end, “keeping the peace” usually just means keeping ourselves comfortable while everyone else walks on eggshells. Real peace comes from honesty, even when honesty is uncomfortable.

So, What Do We Do?

Spotting passive-aggressive behaviour is the first step. Once we see it, we can respond with kindness and boundaries.

• Stay calm. Meeting passive-aggressiveness with anger just makes it worse.

• Be honest about how you feel with "I" statements:“Hey, when you said that, it hurt my feelings. Can we talk about it?”

• Give people space to be honest too. Sometimes, they just need to know it’s safe.

• Protect your energy. If someone is always like this, you’re allowed to step back.

A Little Reminder

If you’re reading this and realising, “Oh no… I’ve done this,” you’re not alone. We’ve all been passive-aggressive at some point. It’s a human thing. The goal isn’t to feel guilty, it’s to notice it and get better at being honest.

The only way you can improve your realtionships is to improve the way you handle (or avoid) conflict.

Because pretending everything’s fine doesn’t create closeness — it creates distance, it shatters trust, and destroys relationships. We all deserve relationships where we can be real, even when it’s hard.