Have you ever daydreamed about karma serving justice on a silver platter to someone who hurt you?...
I recently had a big ol' argument with my mum. For a lot of us, and certainly as portrayed in the media and western society, Christmas and New Year are times we think of as magical. Under rose-tinted glasses, families sit around the hearth drinking egg-nog and talking about how they "really should see each other more" and actually follow-through with those plans. Ahhh, what a dream.
In reality, tensions run high as the weight of expectations sit heavily over our hearts (and especially so on the host!) and we scramble to reach that fabled level of the perfect Christmas. Is the house decorated "Christmassy" enough? Will there be enough prosecco and Buck's Fizz? Have I bought everyone enough presents? Will so-and-so's new partner feel welcome enough? Did I buy enough yorkshire puddings!?
Exhausting, right?
Well, I think my mum was very much feeling that this Christmas, too. That's ok, I get it! But when you begin to spiral it's quick and easy to end up bringing others with you to Oz. I was an unwilling passenger, but I certainly did not help the argument.
Long story short, we eventually made up. But it got me thinking about what it is we do that keeps allowing our arguments to last for a few days. We end up avoiding each other, taking every little comment "the wrong way", both too stubborn to apologise.
So, in hope that by changing the way I approach things it might help, I bought a book (second-hand for just £4) called "The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict" by the Arbinger Institute.
Even after just 2 chapters, this book really hit home for me, and I think it’ll resonate with you too. I'm certainly going to encourage my mum to read it! It’s all about figuring out why conflicts happen and how we can shift our approach to bring more peace into our lives - whether it’s at home, at work, or even within ourselves.
Hearts at War vs. Hearts at Peace
One of the most powerful ideas in the book is the concept of a “heart at war” versus a “heart at peace.” When our hearts are at war, we don’t see people as people. Instead, we view them as problems to solve, obstacles in our way, tools to use, or even threats to our wellbeing. This mindset fuels conflict because it dehumanises others and creates a sense of “us versus them.”
For example, in the book, one character named Lou initially sees his rebellious son, Cory, as a “troublemaker” - an obstacle to the peaceful family life he wants. Lou’s heart at war leads him to try to control Cory through force and authority, which only worsens their relationship. He’s so focused on how Cory’s behavior affects him that he fails to consider what Cory might be going through.
On the flip side, having a “heart at peace” means seeing others as real, complex individuals. People with their own fears, struggles, and dreams. This shift in perspective allows for empathy and understanding. When Lou starts to view Cory as a person instead of a problem, he begins to listen and connect with his son on a deeper level. This change paves the way for healing and trust.
Think about a time you were frustrated with someone. Maybe it was your partner not cleaning up or a coworker missing a deadline. When your heart is at war, it’s easy to think, “They’re so inconsiderate” or “They’re lazy.” But when you shift to a heart at peace, you might pause and ask, “What’s going on with them? Are they overwhelmed or struggling in ways I don’t see?”
The book emphasises that this isn’t about excusing bad behaviour or avoiding accountability. Instead, it’s about broadening your perspective and approaching situations with empathy. For instance, in another story, a mother attending the workshop realizes she’s been treating her daughter’s defiance as a personal attack. When she adopts a heart at peace, she starts to see her daughter’s behaviour as a cry for connection and support, not rebellion for rebellion’s sake.
By understanding the difference between a heart at war and a heart at peace, we can move from blaming and controlling others to collaborating and resolving conflicts together. It’s a small shift that can lead to huge changes in our relationships.
Helping Things Go Right
One concept that really stuck with me is the Pyramid of Influence. It’s about correcting you first before trying to correct anyone else. Here’s how it works:
1. Improve Myself (Base of the Pyramid)
- The foundation of influence starts with personal accountability and self-improvement. This involves reflecting on your mindset, addressing biases, and acting with integrity to create a positive example.
2. Build Relationships of Trust
- Invest in building strong, trusting relationships. Trust is essential for effective influence, and it is developed by showing genuine care, understanding others’ perspectives, and fostering mutual respect.
3. Listen and Learn
- Before trying to influence others, focus on understanding their viewpoints and concerns. Active listening demonstrates respect and lays the groundwork for collaboration.
4. Teach and Communicate
- Share insights, provide guidance, and set expectations in a way that resonates with others. This level involves offering advice or instruction based on mutual understanding.
5. Correct (Tip of the Pyramid)
- This is the least effective and should only be used sparingly. Correction involves directly addressing problematic behavior or mistakes, but it will only be effective if the foundation of trust and understanding is already in place.
The higher levels of the pyramid rely on the strength of the foundational ones. If self-improvement and relationship-building are neglected, attempts at correction or direct influence will likely fail. Think about how you feel when you get unsolicited advice from someone you don't know very well, vs. your best friend.
Facing Self-Deception
We all lie to ourselves sometimes to avoid facing uncomfortable truths. I’ve caught myself doing this plenty of times. For example, I’ve told myself, “I’m not the problem here” when deep down, I knew I’d contributed to the situation. Breaking out of this self-deception takes courage and reflection, but it’s so freeing when you do it.
Steps to a Heart at Peace
Here are some practical ways to develop a heart at peace:
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See the Humanity in Others: When a friend cancels plans last-minute, I remind myself they’re not trying to upset me—they might just be overwhelmed or dealing with something personal.
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Check Your Intentions: Are you acting out of care or are you just trying to prove you’re right? I’ve caught myself giving unsolicited advice to family under the guise of “being helpful.”
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Listen to Understand: A game-changer in my relationships has been truly listening to others, without thinking ahead to what I’ll say next. I do not interrupt or speak over them. It’s not easy, but it deepens connections.
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Take Responsibility: Acknowledging when I’ve dropped the ball on a group project or miscommunicated with a friend has helped build trust and respect.
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Work Together: When my mum and I noticed our house was getting cluttered, instead of arguing over who was responsible, we sat down together to create a cleaning schedule that worked for both of us. By dividing the tasks fairly and supporting each other’s busy days, we turned a potential source of conflict into an opportunity for teamwork.
Stories That Stick
The book’s fictional stories make these lessons come alive. This book isn’t just about resolving arguments; it’s about creating real, lasting peace in our lives. In today’s divided world, that feels more important than ever. It’s a reminder that peace starts with each of us - by seeing others as people, owning our part in conflicts, and building from there.
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a conflict - with your family, coworkers, or even yourself - I can’t recommend The Anatomy of Peace enough. It’s such an easy and relatable read. A game-changer.
Start shifting from a heart at war to a heart at peace, and you’ll be amazed at what changes around you.
